Tired or Discouraged

Tuesday, January 3, 2023 by Catherine Gilliland | Support Through Rough Patches

When we are tired or frustrated and big emotions swell inside of us, we often forget some pretty important things. Our perspective becomes skewed. Our core values grow dim. Our responses shift from proactive to reactive. Living in the chaos of our own weariness and discouragement requires that we take stock of where we are and make a plan to return to a place where we regain balance and feel good about ourselves once more. From a position of personal balance and strength we can communicate understanding into our children's moments of upheaval and overwhelm, then share our calm with them, eventually empowering them for their future.

Define Personal Worth

To begin with, our worth is never measured by our visible productivity. Being visibly productive is just one measure of how well we are meeting our responsibilities. Consider, instead, your contributions and the value you have brought to those you interact with or care for. 

Observe and Evaluate

Healthy balance requires that we regularly carry out self-evaluations. To find a healthy balance it is helpful to ask yourself two questions: "What do I want?", and "What am I doing?"  When answering the question,"What do I want?", be realistic. You are not Superwoman. You have physical, mental, and emotional limits within which you must function.  When answering the question, "What am I doing?", be objective. Make sure to note what you are doing that leads to realizing your wants and matching your core values, not simply noting what seems to be missing.

Core Values

Our core values act as a compass, enabling us to re-orient ourselves when we become lopsided. What are your core values about the work that you do? When working with children as a parent or an educator, what do you believe about the value of the work that you are doing? Your values enable you to focus on the joy of your work and less on the rewards. As parents and teachers, it may be months or years before you witness the growth and learning outcomes in your children's lives for which you pour yourselves out daily. 

Reorient Your Perspective

Frustration or disappointment is natural when we have experienced outcomes or encounters we do not like or with which we do not agree.  When your situation seems out of control, refocus your perspective on what you can control. Do you have latitude to change a schedule, to change responsibilities, to change your attitude about that which seems difficult or unfair? The possibilities may surprise you!

Be Anticipatory

Instead of being reactive when faced with challenges or disappointments, be on the lookout for possible troubling situations and head them off at the pass. To prevent, forestall, or intercept will leave you feeling empowered. 

It is our job to share our calm with overwhelmed children. They are counting on us to be their guides in life. Growing into better versions of ourselves helps us to feel satisfied and impart to our children the skills necessary for full and joyful participation in their everyday lives.

Encouraging Your Children

Tuesday, January 3, 2023 by Catherine Gilliland | Support Through Rough Patches

There is a Proverb stating that a merry heart does good like a medicine. My experience testifies to the truth of that Proverb. When I am grumpy, the words that spill forth from my lips are anything but encouraging to my family (much less to myself). When I speak words that boost another's heart, the atmosphere in my home is pleasant.

It is difficult to craft statements that are cheerful when I am not feeling cheerful. It is precisely for those situations that previously written statements designed to communicate encouragement and good feelings come in handy. Speaking these life-giving words to my child results in me becoming gladdened, too. Sometimes we must just do the right thing, and the feelings usually follow. 

To get you started drafting your own list of uplifting statements for your children, consider the following assertions which are all designed to affirm and communicate admiration and encouragement to your precious kiddos.

• Thank you for helping with...

• It makes mornings/dinner/outings easier when you.... thank you.

• I really appreciate it when you...

• Thank you for doing that... it means I/we can now...

• We did it together!

• Wow! You made a building/drawing/etc. 

• You did it on your own! 

• You did X and then Y and worked it out! 

• I like the way you used lots of red paint/blocks/tape/etc.

• You made it really big/small/colorful/complicated/etc. That took you a long time, and you did it! How did you do that?

• You did X , what will you do now?

• Can you tell me about it? What is your favorite part? What led you to think of that?

• I really enjoy doing X with you.

• I love watching you create/help your sister/play soccer/etc. 

• I'm so proud to be your mom, every day, no matter what!

• Look how happy your friend is when you share/help/smile/etc.

• You kept going, even when it was hard. You look so pleased to have done that! 

• You made X feel so pleased when you did that. 

• I see that it makes you feel good when you do X. 

• Say nothing, just smile with a 100-watt smile. 

Documented Benefits of Providing Positive Affirmations to Children

Friday, December 30, 2022 by Catherine Gilliland | Support Through Rough Patches

"Research shows us that thoughts have a direct impact on emotions and feelings. Those emotions trigger a corresponding release of chemicals in your brain.  Using positive affirmations may allow students to harness and manipulate the release of chemicals that will serve them in constructive ways." Kristin Tulsian Recognizing the facts presented in this research, parents are wise to cultivate the habit of offering their children regular doses of positive affirmations.

Using brain imaging techniques, researchers specifically identified three main psychological reasons for impact on emotions and feelings.  First, contemplation on things that we value brings personal joy. Secondly, feelings perceived as threatening are moderated by reminders of the attributes of self that are valued. Lastly, as affirmations grow our sense of self-worth, our emotional regulation is also enhanced.

Growth in emotional intelligence and academic performance are also linked to providing positive affirmations to children. Anytime we are prompted from an outside source to draw our attention to something, our reticular activating system grows our natural self-awareness to those same things. Self-awareness never increases in a vacuum, however. In tandem with the cultivation of self-awareness, personal reflection and evaluation also flourish, both of which are building blocks in the development of a positive thought life and self-talk. If these outcomes aren't already beneficial enough, "self-affirmations, also called values-based affirmations, [were] also shown to improve academic performance, narrow the achievement gap, and improve grades." (Tulisan)

The benefit of values-based affirmations doesn't end with measurable gains in emotional and academic intelligence. "Research from a team led by Carnegie Mellon University's David Creswell found that people can boost their ability to solve problems under pressure by using self-affirmation. [T]he first evidence that self-affirmation — the process of identifying and focusing on one's most important values — [self-affirmation] can protect against the damaging effects of stress on problem-solving performance." Benefits of Self-Affirmation - Carnegie Mellon University In short, you can protect your child from the negative effects of stress on problem-solving and reverse the effects of stress on make-or-break auditions, test taking, or their other performance examinations. By focusing on those personal values that are important to them, a student can also learn to neutralize the adverse effects of the stress they feel leading up to and during these types of stressful situations.

Providing positive affirmations to your children on a consistent and frequent basis is a pattern you will never regret. This custom only produces positive outcomes. Affirmations facilitate positive emotional growth. They cultivate the personal habits of self-reflection and all the benefits therein. Your child will experience enhanced academic growth and reduced stress effects which typically accompany stressful examinations and evaluations. You will encounter increased joy knowing you are providing an aspect of intentional, first-rate parenting for your child.

The Power of Self-Talk to Encourage

Friday, December 30, 2022 by Catherine Gilliland | Support Through Rough Patches

If Will Durant's statement summarizing several of Aristotle's teachings is true, then the notion that self-talk is a powerful shaping force in our life is also true. Capable of building you up or tearing you down, your internal dialogue is casting a mold for the individual you are becoming.

In my recent article, Encouraging Your Children, I addressed the power of verbal encouragement for our kiddos. Of equal importance is the quality of the uplifting discourse we receive from others and that which we hold within our own selves.

"We are what we repeatedly do." Into what manner of an individual is your internal dialogue shaping you? Do you find it easy to slip into a negative, discouraging type of conversation with yourself, especially if the mid-winter blues have kicked in?  What does it take to excise the negative tongue and replace it with uplifting maxims?

I have dedicated resources to which I turn on a daily basis, to ensure my personal dialogue (that which occurs in my head) imparts courage, life, and truth. I surround myself with these citations, I read them regularly, and I am intentional to refute the negative that inevitably creeps in with my arsenal of  constructive words. My personal favorite source is the Bible. I also turn to quotations and passages others have written. 

What are the sources you turn to when life is weighty, you've contracted a case of grumpiness, or you've become like a snapping turtle? I challenge you to create or expand your personal source list. It is my hope that the ideas that follow become a springboard for your own inventory of inspiration, that they grow into your meditation, and nurture habits of excellence in your life, eventually spilling over into the lives of others and causing a magnificent ripple effect!

"If you don't pay attention to what has your attention, it may take more of your attention than it deserves." David Allen

“The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.” ~Arthur Ashe

“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” ~Anne Frank

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” ~Alexander Graham Bell

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”~Helen Keller

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” ~Helen Keller